Monday 12th May 2014

I took the first dose of my new anti-depressant Saturday night after Diana, my soon-to-be ex-wife, found some extra money to get my prescriptions filled.  As a result I spent most of yesterday in a virtual coma.  When I finally woke up I still felt drowsy and wasn't really able to maintain any kind of focus.

Considering how this medication affects me and the fact that I have another different anti-depressant to take every morning as well I'm not exactly sure how the Government expect me to be able to hold down a job, even with the diminishing effects.  I have never really had the level of diminished effect with increased dosage that the psychiatrist says I should have, not that he believes me.  I get down to about 12 hours of sleep per day but nothing shorter and my sleep pattern is still too irregular, meaning that I can be drowsy most of the day and awake most of the night one day and then vice versa in the next day or two.

It seems as though my medication does have a slight positive effect on my depression, judging by the difference between the period I wasn't able to take my medication and when I'm able to take it; however, when I'm on the medication, I can barely function and when I'm not on medication I can function better but I become so depressed it sometimes dips into suicidal ideation.

My latest anti-depressant also causes me to become light-headed if I stand up too fast and causes my vision to become blurry.  So, I ask you, how the Hell can I hold down a job with regular hours (if I can even find a job in the first place)?

Don't get me wrong - I want a job.  I don't like being on benefits, never have, but the Government have taken away my benefits, leaving me with nothing.  How is that "making work pay"?

The DWP actually agree that my diagnosis has become worse since I was last asked to fill out another monitoring form but they took away my benefits.  My living expenses haven't gone away but they've left me with nothing and I'm expected to have the woman who's divorcing me (we have a court date for early June) to financially support me because we are forced to share a flat because the local authority have given us very little help in re-housing us in separate accommodation.

I know that there are many others who are in the same (or an even worse) position but, after all I've done for other people trying to stand up for them when the welfare 'reforms' weren't affecting me, surely I should be allowed the opportunity to think only of my own situation?  It's not like anyone else is standing up for me now that the full force of the welfare 'reforms' are now bearing down on me, is it?