For those of you who have read the four-part series “What made me the man I am today”, I
realise that I have may have given you the impression that the only reason my
marriage ran into trouble was because my wife refused physically intimacy between
us. Now, while this is true, I should
have clarified the position a little. It
is not just the act of making love to which I refer but also displays of
affection such as holding hands in public or kissing, all of which my wife was
not keen on. As you can imagine, the ‘rejection’
that this signified to my mind made me feel undesirable and unloved and simply fuelled
the depression from which I suffer to the point that I was susceptible to
anyone who was willing to make me feel loved and desired.
Of course, sex is an important part of a relationship and, for me, is
the ultimate act of love because the act leaves you vulnerable, both physically
and emotionally, and represents the merging of two souls and the combining of
two individuals at the spiritual level.
I know my addiction to porn is supposed to make the act of sexual union
become nothing more than animalist rutting but it has never changed my opinion
of women or the sexual act. Yes, I have
the same sexual fantasies as most red-blooded heterosexual males of
bed-hopping, gymnastic, primal, animalistic sex for its own sake with numerous
unnamed female partners but I am a romantic type of guy who would never
objectify women in that way in the real world and I would certainly never wish
to defile such a sacred act by engaging in it with someone with whom I have no
emotional or spiritual connection.
I suppose it’s my old fashioned attitude to sex that kept me on the
straight and narrow until I finally lost my virginity to my wife. Although I had an emotional connection with
Layla and Lisa, they rejected me so I never actually got a chance to make that
deeper connection with either of them.
I am certainly not saying that I would have had to wait for marriage to approach
a more physical relationship with a woman, if I found a new partner with whom I
had an emotional connection I would certainly not insist on marriage before we
became intimate. It just transpired that
Diana is not that kind of woman. She
wanted to wait for marriage and I loved her enough to honour and respect her
wishes on this issue. It’s just a shame
that Diana had other reasons for her reluctance that I would not be made aware
of until the damage to our marriage and my feelings of self-worth had been done.
So, if there are any ladies out there who are looking for a meaningful
relationship with a 42-year-old, principled, old-fashioned (in some respects),
romantic, large-framed, socially inept, emotionally damaged depressive loser,
then I’m your man!
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